


Being Seen

by Riona



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Gen, Other, weird religious angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 12:10:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21015575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riona/pseuds/Riona
Summary: Kevin needs to pin down how he feels about God, now that his dreams of making an impression have fallen flat. Elder Cunningham is happy to help.





	Being Seen

**Author's Note:**

> I really did try not to write this.

“Hey, is something wrong?”

The voice cuts through Kevin’s thoughts, and he looks up at Elder Cunningham. Now that he’s been brought back to reality, he registers that he’s been sitting on his bed for a while, head down; he probably hasn’t been doing a great job of hiding that there’s something on his mind.

He could say he’s fine. He knows the Book of Arnold says it’s okay to lie if you have to. Or if you really want to, or if it’ll help someone, or if the lie you’ve thought up is cool enough.

“Do you think God will forgive me?” he asks instead.

Elder Cunningham frowns. “Forgive you for what?”

“I left you,” he says. “I guess I came back and apologised, but... I don’t know, is that really enough?” He shakes his head. “And that’s not even counting the doughnut thing.”

“The doughnut thing?” Elder Cunningham asks.

Kevin wraps his arms around himself. “I feel like I wouldn’t still feel bad about it if I’d really fixed it.”

“Hey,” Elder Cunningham says. “_I_ forgive you.”

Kevin blinks and frowns. “You’re not God, Elder Cunningham.”

“No, I mean, pssht, I know _that_,” Elder Cunningham says, almost quick enough to be alarming. “I’m just saying, if I can forgive you, I’m pretty sure God can. I mean, that’s, like, his thing. Right?”

He’s probably right. God’s probably forgotten it already. Heavenly Father has enough concerns to deal with; why would he still be thinking about some stupid mistake one of his tens of thousands of missionaries made?

Why does that kind of make him feel worse?

“I don’t know if that’s really what’s bugging me,” Kevin admits. “I think I just need him to see me.”

Elder Cunningham nods sympathetically. “Elder McKinley?”

Kevin frowns. “God,” he says, and then, “God, I meant,” in case _God_ on its own just sounds like he’s swearing.

He might take Elder McKinley, though. He might take anyone.

Back in training, Kevin was always the one people remembered, the one who stood out among the identical haircuts and identical clothes. He worked so hard to be the best. It felt good.

Even back then, though, God never really tested him. Maybe that means he was never looking at him.

And now Elder Cunningham’s a prophet, and somewhere along the line Kevin became the sidekick, the forgettable one. And he knows pride’s a sin, he does. It’s just... he’s so proud of Elder Cunningham, and it’d be good to have a reason to be proud of himself as well. How is he meant to know he exists if people just look straight past him? 

“God sees everyone, right?” Elder Cunningham asks.

“Yeah, but that’s a lot of people. How do you get him to _notice_ you?”

The tale of the prodigal son always made Kevin feel kind of weird. He’s been tempted by the idea of straying for a while, just so God would celebrate to have him back.

He guesses he’s kind of done that now. Maybe God celebrated when he came back to put things right. A follower again, not in front of him any longer. But how can he feel that; how would he know?

“Elder Price,” Elder Cunningham says, cautiously, “are you in love with God?”

Kevin breaks into a coughing fit.

“Are you okay?” Elder Cunningham asks in alarm.

“You can’t ask me that!” Kevin hisses. He can feel himself turning scarlet.

“I can’t ask if you’re okay?” Elder Cunningham asks.

“You can’t ask the – the other thing!” Because that means Kevin will actually have to think about it, and he’s been doing _such_ a good job of not doing that. If he thinks about it, that means he might draw a conclusion, and God will _hear_.

Although at least that might get his attention.

No, gosh darn it, _no_.

“I’m just trying to figure out how I can help.” Elder Cunningham sits next to him, shuffling right up close. Bumping shoulders. “Are you maybe having gay thoughts?”

“No,” Kevin says automatically, shifting away a little.

It wouldn’t be gay, would it? Like, even if he _had_ gotten confused about what he wants from God. There’s too much distance between them. It’s a whole different thing, it doesn’t count.

Like Joseph Smith and the frog. Nobody would go ‘oh, he must be gay; he spent the night with a _male_ frog.’

Kevin isn’t a freaking frog.

“’Cause you know it’s okay if you are, right?” Elder Cunningham asks. “What does the Book say?”

Kevin tries to think over the Book of Arnold. “The latest version?”

“_Duh_, the latest version,” Elder Cunningham says. “I mean, you can’t talk about a movie series if you haven’t seen the latest one, right?”

Kevin closes his eyes and recites. “_And Luke realised he was having some weird feelings about Han. And God was totally fine with that, because, you know, who wouldn’t?_” He opens his eyes. “That was one of the first revisions, right?”

Elder Cunningham nods. “God really wanted Elder McKinley to be less sad.”

That doesn’t really support Elder Cunningham’s claim to know he’s not God, but Kevin supposes God might be working through him, in a way. He used to feel like he knew where God was, like he could feel his presence. He’ll find God where he can, now.

Kevin goes back to the passage. “_But Han still ended up with Leia, because they’re..._ what was it?”

“OTP,” Elder Cunningham says, promptly.

“So it still wouldn’t have been okay for Luke to act on his feelings, right?” Kevin asks. Not that he can _act on_ whatever feelings he might have about God. What would that even mean?

Elder Cunningham claps his hands to his mouth. “Oh, man, nooooo! That’s not what I meant at all! I just – Han and Leia are just meant to be, I couldn’t _not_ have them together.” He pauses. “Do you think it needs a Luke-Han makeout somewhere?”

Kevin starts to laugh. He sometimes wants to get away from everyone, but at times like this he’s almost glad he can’t. Somehow Elder Cunningham always manages to make him feel better.

-

Usually, when he has revisions to make to the Book, Elder Cunningham will dictate to Kevin. Right now, though, Elder Cunningham is scribbling down notes himself, frowning intently.

“You want me to do that for you?” Kevin asks.

Elder Cunningham shakes his head. “You always do it.”

“I really don’t mind,” Kevin says. “You said the inspiration comes easier when you’re talking out loud, right?”

“Luke and Han are getting really intimate,” Elder Cunningham mutters. “It’s embarrassing.”

Kevin finds himself smiling. “Okay, that’s fair.”

-

The latest revision of the Book of Arnold goes to print a few weeks later. It’s tempting to open it and go straight to the Book of Tatooine to read the new material, but Kevin settles into a corner of their lodgings to read the whole thing from the beginning. He’s always been a diligent scholar; he makes it a point of pride to know the holy word as well as he can. And he finds the Book comforting. It reminds him of how it brought him back after his crisis.

All he has to do is believe. He remembers reading the Book of Mormon and knowing, without question, that every word was true. Belief doesn’t come so easily to him any more, but that’s okay. He just needs to make the effort, and it wasn’t a lack of effort that distinguished him in training.

The Luke-and-Han scene is a nice addition, even if Kevin can’t read it without getting a little embarrassed. It’s particularly awkward to read when Elder Cunningham, as his companion, is sitting right there next to him the whole time, watching him anxiously.

“What do you think?” Elder Cunningham asks.

Kevin has to clear his throat before he can speak. “It’s good,” he says. “I hope it helps Elder McKinley.”

Elder Cunningham brightens. “Yeah! Yeah, me too.”

Kevin keeps reading, falling into the familiar rhythm of all the lines he’s seen before, letting them carry him along. And at last he reaches the end, and he pauses.

It carries on past the end. There are a few new lines at the back of the book. He hadn’t realised Elder Cunningham had been making other revisions.

_And the Lord said, “Oh, right, one more thing. There’s gonna be an elder called Kevin Price born a long time from now. And he’s going to be incredible and handsome and great. And however he feels about me, that’s going to be totally fine, and it’s a huge honor that someone so cool thinks about me at all. That elder’s companion is a lucky, lucky guy.”_

Kevin’s blushing so hard he has to rest his hand against the side of his face, in a hopefully subtle effort to block it from Elder Cunningham’s view.

“Did you finish?” Elder Cunningham asks, nervous and eager.

Kevin doesn’t trust himself to speak. He just nods.

“See, I think you’re amazing,” Elder Cunningham says. “And I know God thinks so too. Because he’s right about everything, right?”

-

When Kevin goes to sleep that night, it’s in the knowledge that God really sees him at last.

And, if he can’t always be sure about God, he knows Elder Cunningham sees him, and maybe that’s good enough.


End file.
